Thankful Thursday

This week seemed to fly right by.   I didn't even realize it was Thursday until a little while ago.  I've been so busy lately that the weeks seem to be blending together.  I am really looking forward to things slowing down a bit.

This week I am thankful for:

New Beginnings ~ It's been a difficult start, with lots of meetings, unresolved feelings and slight anxiety about the unknown but I know this is the best thing that could have happened.  No matter how anxious I feel about change, I know in the long run I will look back and realize I did the right thing.

Special Packages ~ My dear friend Chelle, sent me a package earlier this week filled with teas and a bottle of california sand/sunshine.  I haven't left the house without my Cali-girls since.  <3

Cuddles ~ Nothing takes away the worries of the day better than cuddling with those you love.  Thank you boys for being the best cuddle-bugs.

Support ~ I didn't think I would have had the strength to get through this week but the amount of people who reached out with a kind word, supportive gesture and/or a listening ear helped me overcome my anxiety and fears and push through on top.

Our Veterans ~ Thank you to all the wonderful men and women who have protected our country as well as those who continue to protect us.  

What are you thankful for this week? What made you smile when you least expected it?

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday

 

I've had a busy week filled with meetings; each meeting strengthening me and bringing me closer to closure.  This week has left me feeling drained, exhausted, and anxious; yet extremely satisfied.

This week I am thankful for:

Morning Tea ~ This past week I began a new routine.  After Mikey gets on the school bus, I sneak around the house while my younger two are sleeping and make myself a cup of tea.  I keep things quiet to give myself some peace of mind and to reflect on the night before, decide on plans for the day ahead and just breathe and enjoy my tea one sip at a time.

Laughter ~ The old saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" has really proved true this week.  I haven't laughed like this in years.  No matter how silly the subject, the release from the daily chaos is such a lovely feeling.  

Good Books ~  What better way to escape from the difficulties of life than by reading a good book?  Right now I am enjoying a few fluff books since heavy reading requires more concentration than I have right now.  My current reads are Mini Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella and Catching Genius by Kristy Kiernan.

Sisterhood ~ I never imagined belonging to such an amazing sisterhood like the Mavens.  Although we don't all visit the group where it all started very often, the kinship is still strong.  We have connected in other networks, bonded together by common interests, dreams, spirits and inspiration.  These women are not only a safe place to fall but a haven to those they hold dear to them, and I am honored to be a part.  I am honored to call these amazing women my friends and my soul sisters.

Emails ~ The amount of emails that I received this week checking on the welfare of my children and myself astonished me.  I appreciate everyone reaching out, the stories that were shared and the generous offers that were extended.  You are all angels in disguise and I am blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. 

Family ~ Honestly, this will be here each and every week.  My children are my life.  I breathe for them, I adore them.  They are my heart and soul.  They can put me through 50 different emotions in a single minute and at the end of the day, they are the last things I think about when I go to sleep at night.  My parents and sister have been a huge support to me this past week.  They have sat and listened to me when I needed it, offered advice where they could and offered support in every way they can.  I couldn't imagine a better family circle and I am happy to end my gratitude here with them. 

What are you thankful for this week? What made you smile when you least expected it?

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."  ~ Thornton Wilder

 I have been going through a lot these past few days and although things can seem a bit overwhelming, it doesn't make me stop thinking about all the things I am thankful for. 

This week I am thankful for:

Strength ~ Without strength, I would not have been willing to come to the decisions that I have this week to start fresh with a positive outlook.

Acceptance ~ Sometimes, the hardest person you have to be honest with is yourself and this honesty can be hard to accept.  But, when we find that strength to accept this burning honesty, better things come along.

Understanding ~ I had to back out of a major event for this upcoming weekend and I was really worried about disappointing two people that I care deeply about.  I never imagined that they would be understanding to my situation without a bit of resentment, but not only were they beyond understanding they took a moment out of their hectic deadline to sit and listen.  These are the types of people that true friends are made of.

Friendship ~ I have found that I have a larger support group than I ever would have imagined in the past 7 years.  It's amazing to me in so many ways.  I am blessed that I know so many beautiful souls.

Family ~ As we all know, family is a bond like no other.  I am so blessed to have such a close family that is filled with love. 

Phone Calls ~ It seems so silly, but phone calls I share with those I adore make me feel that much more blessed.

Beautiful Weather ~ The weather here has been beautiful this week.  It has raised my spirits in so many ways.  It was nice to be able to open the windows again this far into October.

What are you thankful for this week? What made you smile when you least expected it?

Thankful Thursday

Monday Motivation

I love lists.  I always have.  I used to make lists of lists that I needed to make.  Obsessed much?!?  Call it what you will, I will simply justify myself because without the lists my life would be complete chaos. 

So what do I have in the works for this week?

Hubby is on vacation this week so we have a few around the house projects to tend too. A leaky sink, clearing out some closets and removing the boys' artwork off the walls. Here is just one of the many "hieroglyphics" that could be found around my house.  But, they are becoming an eye sore not only to me but to the little artists themselves, so it is time to remove them. 

We are in a wedding this weekend so we need to pack, make appointments, get the kids prepared for an overnight stay at their Mama and Papa's and of course groom ourselves entirely for the event.  I always love big events like this.  Something that gives me an excuse for a  week of pampering.  Just the preparations are enjoyable.  Manicures, pedicures, updo's, makeup, jewelery and a perfect dress.  Not to mention looking forward to a wonderful night with wonderful friends.  The picture shows the lovely couple that we will be celebrating this week.  We even have an extra night of enjoyment, this Wednesday night is the rehearsal dinner.  We are bringing the kids so it will be an enjoyable evening for all.  Plus, they are taking the day off from school the next day so we may take a special trip to the zoo. 

Finally, after our wonderful day of pumpkin picking yesterday, the boys are ready to carve some jack-o'lanterns.  We have never done it before so it should be lots of fun.  The boys are already planning out their designs.  This picture is of the boys with their "Mama" at the pumpkin patch yesterday.

Of course we will still be taking time to enjoy the good ole' outdoors.  Mother Nature has blessed us with a warm week so we will be taking time to enjoy watching the leaves turn as well as quality time outdoors. It doesn't get any better than this.

Monday Motivation

The Real ME...

I wasn't the best daughter. 

I wasn't a good friend.

I wasn't always a loyal girlfriend.

I was the girl that others liked to talk about but not say nice things.

I was the daughter parents wondered about where they went wrong.

I was the girlfriend that would do things for boyfriends so that they could never get too close emotionally/mentally.

I was the girl that hid under masks and facades looking for answers and hiding the real me under layers not allowing others to get close.

I was a girl looking for answers to life's most challenging questions while dumbing down for the outside world.

Shit, I was seen as the ditzy girl that always smiled, laughed and knew how to "party like a rock star." I would do foolish things and just live in the moment.....but not really live as ME. Well, I guess it was me, just....Fake!

I did many things to disappoint my parents. Drugs, parties, cutting school --hell I didn't even show up for college and I was there on scholarships, -- abusive boyfriends... I did a lot and I put my parents through a LIVING HELL.

It took me years to realize who I was. YEARS!! My parents tried everything with me. I used to swear they hated me. They could never understand how their "Smart Beautiful Daughter" could do these types of things and/or hang out with this crowd or be with this person.

How do you tell anyone when you can't even admit to yourself that you are afraid of what people will see you as if you showed them the real you. I did it once. My first true boyfriend, Mike. We had an extremely intense relationship. I don't mean sexual in any way. We were very very deep. We got each other. I was 16 years old (he was 18) and I had someone to share these deep conversations about everything from spirituality, the arts, philosophy to....pink elephants jumping over the moon. It was something anyone could wish for....who wasn't a teenager. We broke up because our relationship was too mature for us.

So what did I do? I built a wall. Being dumb seemed so easy! Mixing with the wrong crowds and having foolish relationships and partying just seemed like the way to get by. Since obviously my way didn't work.

Well, things got out of hand as they often do. I ended up with abusive relationship after abusive relationship. The last one the worst and it made my parents realize there was something wrong with me. They "forced" me to go to a mental hospital for a few days to see what could possibly be making me go through this.

I had the perfect home life. My sister and I were extremely close. My mother and I are exceptionally close. My dad and I had a decent relationship although (at the time) I only thought of him as a disciplinary.

Back to the story, I went in and was very angry with my parents for "making" me go through this. The anger built up from years of not knowing who the hell I was.

After this incident I started looking for myself for the first time since I was 16. Mike and I were still friends and we would discuss these things and it made me feel great to be this person again.

I would sit and talk to my Nana and she always told me to not regret my actions. Learn from them. So that's what I did. I LEARNED from them. I GREW from them. Most importantly, I now UNDERSTAND why I went through these things.

Psychiatrists told me it was a way to fill the void between my father and I. That since I wanted to be a Daddy's girl I would act out because it was the only attention I got. I believed it for years.... until I figured it out on my own.

I wasn't trying to fill any void with a relationship with anyone other than myself. I did these things because I hated the persona I was living. I never allowed people to get to know the real me. Only one person did....and I hated that I was shy/embarrassed call it whatever you would like.....

I wanted the world to see me for MORE than what I put out there.

When I had my oldest son, I changed my way of life even more and have really had a lot of personal growth. Due to cafemom and goodreads, I have made friends that I probably would have never had the guts too in real life.

Yes, I was a troubled girl but it was all a way to find myself. I'm okay with that. It's my past. It has strengthened my character. It makes me look at things in a way I never thought I could. I look at my children and sometimes I could see them slipping into what they think others want them to be and I try my hardest to let them be free of this.

My mother used to cry and wonder what she did wrong. How did she fail me. I always told her it wasn't her fault. She raised me with the best of morals. She taught me the difference between right and wrong. She was the ideal mother. The mother that I wanted to be. It took years for her to realize she didn't fail me. To see that I ended up on the path that she willed for me. I just hit a few paths where I took the scenic route and forgot about the mission at hand. It feels good to have her respect and admiration. It makes me feel wonderful that my parents admire my parenting. I'm in awe that they no longer refer to me as "the bad one." They look at me now and they see the real me. The me that I hid for over 10 years on a journey where all I was trying to do...was escape myself.

Life isn't easy. No one can say it is. But, I can offer one piece of advice as my Nana did for me.

Her's ~Live life without regrets.

I will add to hers ~ Don't make life more difficult by denying others your true identity. Love yourself and share who you really are. Those who should be in your life will embrace you with open arms and those that don't...you will see were never meant to be there in the first place. When you do this, life is beautiful! Just like mine is today. Despite the drama and heartache, I am happy because I am living it, being true to myself.

The Real ME...

Miss You Nana

"If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever." ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

It's been six years and it still hurts as if it was yesterday. You are in my thoughts and you live on through our memories. You will always be my favorite four leaf clover. I love you, Nana.

Miss You Nana

Moving On But Not Letting Go

"It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time." ~Barbara Kingsolver

Little tics on the walls showing my boys how much they have grown over the past years. Pen and pencil marks outline their latest artwork even if they weren't supposed to write on them. Little fingerprints that have smudged after time and time of them holding on when learning how to walk or running down the halls. All of this being left behind in a week. Ready to be painted over in antique white. Erasing my children's memory so a new family can create their own.

Moving can be so difficult. The memories that you captured in a place are reason enough not to want to leave. Then theirs the actual packing. Picking and choosing the things that you will take with you. Leaving behind with those marks on the walls other material items that also hold some form of memory.

The crib that all three of my children slept in for 2 years of their live and has comforted my children where they enjoyed many good dreams will now be left behind. For Alex is no longer a baby and with this move, he will acquire a big boy bed. A new beginning for himself. The pack and play that has sat in my living room for 6 years will also not be coming with us. Now that Alex will have a big boy bed, he no longer will lay in there until he goes to sleep at night keeping my husband and myself company until he is fast asleep and moved to his crib. The baby clothes that started with my oldest 6 years ago and still have the smell of all three of them will now be donated for other little boys that are less fortunate than us. The toys that used to annoy me with how loud they were will also be donated leaving us with the quieter toys meant for older children.

I keep trying to think of how much nicer it will be to have a fresh start. My older two are excited because they will be getting bunk beds. Their room will be new and exciting. My little one will finally have a room he could play in. He will have a place to grow and learn. My husband and I will have a bedroom that we could go into and enjoy each others company without the clutter that we have acquired. No more disciplining the children for running on the floors so they don't upset the downstairs neighbors.

But what about the memories. Yes we carry them with us in our hearts but the daily reminders; the touch, the smells...these things we will be leaving behind. I feel I am letting go of my babies and have to accept that they are growing boys. I'm not sure I am ready to let them go. So, although I am going to be removing the crib, the play pen, the old clothes and the tic marks on the wall; I am also going to pack up their baby blankets, the ones that soothed them when they were babies. The hats they wore home from the hospital. I will take a picture of their growth chart and artwork on the walls. I am going to hold onto these things so when I feel the need to revisit this time, this home.... It will be in the new place waiting for me to remember.

Moving On But Not Letting Go

Memories of my Nana

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever." --Alfred Lord Tennyson

My Nana and I were very close. As you can tell from her picture she is Native American and Irish. (Not that you can see the Irish in her)Well she was very in tune with the earth and very wise about the world.She taught me things about life by watching nature. She had such an amazing soul. I know how to tell the weather by watching the leaves on trees or what the winter has in store for us by the tails of the squirrels among many other things.

I just felt the need to share a few stories about her today. She has been on my mind a lot and I just want to share a few things.

When I was younger, we used to pick four leaf clovers together and every time we found a feather she would stick it behind her ear.We would sit for hours in the backyard (even when I was a teenager) and pick literally 100’s of four leaf clovers. No one could understand how we always found them let alone so many. It was a memory I always cherished. I went to Woodstock, NY when I was pregnant with my oldest and they were selling necklaces with real four leaf clovers in them. I had to buy her one! I gave it to her and we sat and chatted for hours about them and our special tradition at every visit. After she passed away, I wore the necklace and oddly the four leaf clover disintegrated or something. I think she just took it with her.

My Nana, became ill in 2003 and I visited her almost daily in the hospital. I brought Mikey (her baby in the basket) to see her and I swear he brought her strength. She adored him so much. When she got better she had lost control of her bladder and she could not go home so they transferred her to a nursing home. My Nana was so against it. She begged my Mom to take her home and my mother told her not until she had control again. The problem was she couldn’t get it back. So she gave up. It went rather quickly. Every day she lost more and more. Her eyes started rolling and the rattle. That horrible rattle. I will never forget that sound. I continued to visit her daily and sat and cried and begged her to get better. My mom and dad told me I had to tell her to let go. I didn’t want to. I stayed selfish for a week. I finally built up the courage to tell her she could go. I didn’t want to be there when she passed away. I didn’t want to be in the room. My whole family came down that day. Everyone was saying goodbye and everyone stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. My mother, myself and I’m not really sure who else was in the room were all there when I finally told her it was okay. My mother sang Wind Beneath My Wings to her. I was squeezing her leg and my mother was holding her hand. She for the first time in 2 weeks made eye contact with my mother for a brief second. A tear rolled down her face and she squeezed my mothers hand lightly and that was it.

I was beside myself. I ran out hyperventilating and screaming. I called my friend Joey and was trying to make things clear in my mind and explain what had happened. All of a sudden, a dove circled above me and it grabbed my attention. I became completely silent and intrigued. Then a second one came and they circled each other and then they just flew off together. I sat there in silence. (Meanwhile Joey is freaking out because I haven’t said a word and cut off mid sentence) I finally told Joey, I was finally okay and I needed to hang up. I ended our conversation and had the greatest sense of peace. It was as if I had an out of body experience or meditated all day….the sense of peace was amazing. I went back into the nursing home gave my mother a hug and told her it was okay, that my Nana had found my Grandpa and she was at peace. It was the most amazing thing I ever experienced.

My Nana is always with me. She has ways of letting me know she is there. Every birthday, holiday, event….I always find a four leaf clover. She always lets me know she is with me. I have found them for my mother on her birthday and so on as well. This year I couldn't find any for a few months and I was getting really upset because I always find them. Two weeks ago I was sitting in front of my parents house and I found 5. I was so excited. There was one for my birthday, one for each of my boys birthdays, my anniversary and mothers day. On my way into the house to wrap them, I lost one. But I wasn't disappointed because I knew she was there for me. Last weekend, it was my boys birthday party and I found another one which I gave to my mother.

Another funny thing that reminds me she is watching over me is, three years ago for Mikey’s birthday when I was hanging up decorations in the back yard at my parent’s house, I found a feather. (Remember, she used to wear them in her hair?) I taped it to the chimney and told everyone that my Nana was there. Three years later and after many storms that have passed it still hung there until a week or two ago when my parents replaced the chimney. When my father was cleaning up the yard for Mikey and Alex’s party the following year he found a new feather on the ground right below it. My mother called me and told me my Nana left me another present. At the party, I proudly hung it up right below the one from the previous year. This year when cleaning up the yard for the party, I found yet another but didn't hang it since my parents just replaced the chimney. But I smiled and admired it for a little while.

No matter where she is, I know she is with me. I love sharing stories about her and admire the woman she once was. She will forever live on in my memory and in the stories I share with my boys.

Memories of my Nana

Just for Today

*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.

*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

*I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day............

~ Author Unknown

Just for Today

Longing For Our Nights

This weekend my oldest will be 6 and my youngest will be 2. I probably will be doing a lot of reflecting on my kids this week. To start out the week, I wanted to share a poem I wrote last year for all of them.

Longing For Our Nights


As you lay at night dreaming,
Peaceful and asleep.
I tiptoe to your bedside,
Quietly so you do not stir.

I bend down beside you,
And admire your angelic face.
I sit there for a moment,
Reflecting on our day.

These moments go by so quickly,
My days always seem fast paced.
I step over you to do things,
Sometimes ignore you call my name.

I leave to go to work at night,
Although I hear you scream.
But, at night when you are sleeping,
We share this little routine.

As you lay there dreaming,
I sit on the corner of your bed.
I rub your back, stroke your face,
And kiss your tender cheek.

I listen to you breathing,
and remind you that I love you.
I look forward to it each evening,
I await my time with you.

I’ll always cherish our special nights,
This quiet time we share.
I love you baby forever,
and always I’ll be there.

Longing For Our Nights

Bubbles and Baseball

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."

After a long week of dreary, rainy days we finally had a nice weekend. Saturday unfortunately we didn't take advantage only because we have so much to do for this move. But, Sunday we went to my parents house and spent the day outside. The boys had a blast! They love going to their grandparents house because they have the freedom to run around and be kids. Here, they are always couped up because there is nothing for them to do.

Well, what's better than a day of blowing bubbles, playing with bugs and practicing baseball? Forget all the fancy gadgets and toys they come out with. When it comes down to it the classics are always the best!

Here's a video of my oldest Mikey practicing his baseball. He is getting much better!! Too bad the whole tee-ball season has practically been washed away with the rainy days.

Here are a few of my favorite pics of the day too...

This is my little man Alex.

Max and Mikey blowing bubbles

All my boys. <3

Bubbles and Baseball