Friday, October 23, 2009

The Real ME...

I wasn't the best daughter. 

I wasn't a good friend.

I wasn't always a loyal girlfriend.

I was the girl that others liked to talk about but not say nice things.

I was the daughter parents wondered about where they went wrong.

I was the girlfriend that would do things for boyfriends so that they could never get too close emotionally/mentally.

I was the girl that hid under masks and facades looking for answers and hiding the real me under layers not allowing others to get close.

I was a girl looking for answers to life's most challenging questions while dumbing down for the outside world.

Shit, I was seen as the ditzy girl that always smiled, laughed and knew how to "party like a rock star." I would do foolish things and just live in the moment.....but not really live as ME. Well, I guess it was me, just....Fake!

I did many things to disappoint my parents. Drugs, parties, cutting school --hell I didn't even show up for college and I was there on scholarships, -- abusive boyfriends... I did a lot and I put my parents through a LIVING HELL.

It took me years to realize who I was. YEARS!! My parents tried everything with me. I used to swear they hated me. They could never understand how their "Smart Beautiful Daughter" could do these types of things and/or hang out with this crowd or be with this person.

How do you tell anyone when you can't even admit to yourself that you are afraid of what people will see you as if you showed them the real you. I did it once. My first true boyfriend, Mike. We had an extremely intense relationship. I don't mean sexual in any way. We were very very deep. We got each other. I was 16 years old (he was 18) and I had someone to share these deep conversations about everything from spirituality, the arts, philosophy to....pink elephants jumping over the moon. It was something anyone could wish for....who wasn't a teenager. We broke up because our relationship was too mature for us.

So what did I do? I built a wall. Being dumb seemed so easy! Mixing with the wrong crowds and having foolish relationships and partying just seemed like the way to get by. Since obviously my way didn't work.

Well, things got out of hand as they often do. I ended up with abusive relationship after abusive relationship. The last one the worst and it made my parents realize there was something wrong with me. They "forced" me to go to a mental hospital for a few days to see what could possibly be making me go through this.

I had the perfect home life. My sister and I were extremely close. My mother and I are exceptionally close. My dad and I had a decent relationship although (at the time) I only thought of him as a disciplinary.

Back to the story, I went in and was very angry with my parents for "making" me go through this. The anger built up from years of not knowing who the hell I was.

After this incident I started looking for myself for the first time since I was 16. Mike and I were still friends and we would discuss these things and it made me feel great to be this person again.
I would sit and talk to my Nana and she always told me to not regret my actions. Learn from them. So that's what I did. I LEARNED from them. I GREW from them. Most importantly, I now UNDERSTAND why I went through these things.

Psychiatrists told me it was a way to fill the void between my father and I. That since I wanted to be a Daddy's girl I would act out because it was the only attention I got. I believed it for years.... until I figured it out on my own.

I wasn't trying to fill any void with a relationship with anyone other than myself. I did these things because I hated the persona I was living. I never allowed people to get to know the real me. Only one person did....and I hated that I was shy/embarrassed call it whatever you would like.....

I wanted the world to see me for MORE than what I put out there.

When I had my oldest son, I changed my way of life even more and have really had a lot of personal growth. Due to cafemom and goodreads, I have made friends that I probably would have never had the guts too in real life.

Yes, I was a troubled girl but it was all a way to find myself. I'm okay with that. It's my past. It has strengthened my character. It makes me look at things in a way I never thought I could. I look at my children and sometimes I could see them slipping into what they think others want them to be and I try my hardest to let them be free of this.

My mother used to cry and wonder what she did wrong. How did she fail me. I always told her it wasn't her fault. She raised me with the best of morals. She taught me the difference between right and wrong. She was the ideal mother. The mother that I wanted to be. It took years for her to realize she didn't fail me. To see that I ended up on the path that she willed for me. I just hit a few paths where I took the scenic route and forgot about the mission at hand. It feels good to have her respect and admiration. It makes me feel wonderful that my parents admire my parenting. I'm in awe that they no longer refer to me as "the bad one." They look at me now and they see the real me. The me that I hid for over 10 years on a journey where all I was trying to do...was escape myself.

Life isn't easy. No one can say it is. But, I can offer one piece of advice as my Nana did for me.

Her's ~Live life without regrets.

I will add to hers ~ Don't make life more difficult by denying others your true identity. Love yourself and share who you really are. Those who should be in your life will embrace you with open arms and those that don't...you will see were never meant to be there in the first place. When you do this, life is beautiful! Just like mine is today. Despite the drama and heartache, I am happy because I am living it, being true to myself.

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Thursday, October 8, 2009

Miss You Nana


"If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever." ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson


It's been six years and it still hurts as if it was yesterday. You are in my thoughts and you live on through our memories. You will always be my favorite four leaf clover. I love you, Nana.

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Friday, August 14, 2009

Three Little Wise Monkeys

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

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Monday, August 3, 2009

Be as a Child

While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about. ~Angela Schwindt

Children always inspire. They make you yearn for days gone by. The simpler times. The times of carefree joy and innocence. We miss it. We miss those times, but are they really out of reach or have we just forgotten how to enjoy them?.

As we grow older we begin looking towards the future. We begin living with goals that are slightly out of reach - college, careers, homes, children, retirement - It's a never ending cycle. Yet, when we look at children it causes a yearning.

Children are the greatest inspiration for mindfulness. They live in the moment with no thoughts of tomorrow. They enjoy the little things -- those simple pleasures that we take for granted. They let their natural curiosity and imagination take them where ever they want to go. They are free spirits in a closed-minded world. Something we as adults still harbor inside of us.
I could watch my boys for hours. They can sit and build "the largest tower in the world" with their blocks without thinking about what they will be doing later or what happened yesterday. When they fall and get a "boo-boo," they will act as if it's the most traumatic experience in the world as they sit there crying. The moment I place that band-aid on it and give it an "all better" kiss, it is forgotten and they move on as if nothing happened. It amazes me that these little creatures can live in the moment and just the moment. So innocent and carefree. Full of life.

What we yearn for from our childhoods isn't far out of our reach. If we let go of the woes of yesterday or the unknowns of tomorrow. If we let children inspire us -- let them remind us to live in the moment. Maybe then, we can enjoy the moment for what it's worth and most importantly, just live.

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Friday, July 31, 2009

Where to Hide the Dust Bunnies?

We labor to make a house a home, then every time we're expecting visitors, we rush to turn it back into a house. ~Robert Brault

Why is it that when friends and family come over we feel the need to clean up our homes more than normal? Would it be that uncomfortable for others to see how you really live? Knowing that things aren't always perfectly placed, that maybe you don't always wash the dished in the sink right after using them and the coffee table in the living room usually has fingerprints all over it. Would they not be friends with you anymore?

Tonight my husband invited another couple that we are friends with over for a movie and some good conversation. We used to get together at least once a month but now we haven't seen them since May. They are recently engaged and I am looking forward to talking wedding talk.

When hubby came in and asked me if it was okay last night, I took a look around at my home that is disheveled from moving and not to mention that the actual housework has taken a back seat to moving as well. I looked at him mortified. Of course I would host but I needed the reassurance that they knew that we are moving and our home is a mess.

Why? We will still have a good time regardless of the way my home looks. They aren't going to pass judgment or think I am a bad housewife or mother because the place is unkempt a week before our move. They know I have three little boys yet when they come over after they are in bed, there are no signs that they live here other than the pictures on the walls.

How much of ourselves do we really hide from others? I have never been the neatest of people in my everyday life. I let the dinner dishes sit until morning and I don't always wipe the boys toothpaste from the sink before bed. I hardly worry about the fingerprints on the coffee table because the second I am done dusting I know they are going to put them right back. Not to mention that I am lucky if I run the vacuum once a week because my youngest is petrified of it. And the way I dress? I rarely get out of my sweats and tanks, I never wear makeup when I am home and my hair is rarely blown straight. Normally it is up in a sloppy ponytail.
So why, when I know I have company coming I go into overdrive making sure nothing is out of place? It's as if a rush comes over me and I am racing the clock to make sure that everything is perfect including my appearance before they knock on the door? What if we had surprise visitors? Would I let them in? What would they think? Of course I would invite them in and apologize for the mess. I know they would understand with the knowledge that I have three small boys and a ton of work to do.

So why am I freaking out about tonight?!? No. I refuse to let this control me. I am going to take my time with my cleaning today. If I don't get everything done, so be it. I will make myself up and make sure the area where we will be hanging out is taken care of and be a good hostess as usual. But, I am not going to hide that I can't be organized during a move. It is impossible for me to do so and I don't need to feel more anxiety than this move has already given me.

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Key To Happiness

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet." ~James Openheim

Happiness. Is it a state of mind or a destination? Is it something that we can reach or that lives inside of us?

Bumps in the road of life are to be expected, so why do we allow them to control our happiness? Happiness lives inside of us. If we spend less time worrying about what the future holds or the current issue at hand, we won't lose sight of the moment. Satisfaction can only come from within when we truly accept ourselves, our lives, and our circumstances. Only then can we can truly enjoy what life has to offer.

Those simple pleasures that we don't take advantage of daily. The songs the bird sings outside your window. The smell of the flowers in the garden. The taste of snow on our tongues. The feel of the grass between your toes. Small talk with someone on line at Starbucks. These things that we normally don't put much thought into and just take them for face value.

Why not put more stock into them? These little things that bring us satisfaction. Make us happy and put a smile on our face. This is what life is all about. We only live in this one moment. If not just for today, lets not consume ourselves with our troubles and enjoy these moments and put most of our energy into being happy.

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Moving On But Not Letting Go

"It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time." ~Barbara Kingsolver

Little tics on the walls showing my boys how much they have grown over the past years. Pen and pencil marks outline their latest artwork even if they weren't supposed to write on them. Little fingerprints that have smudged after time and time of them holding on when learning how to walk or running down the halls. All of this being left behind in a week. Ready to be painted over in antique white. Erasing my children's memory so a new family can create their own.

Moving can be so difficult. The memories that you captured in a place are reason enough not to want to leave. Then theirs the actual packing. Picking and choosing the things that you will take with you. Leaving behind with those marks on the walls other material items that also hold some form of memory.

The crib that all three of my children slept in for 2 years of their live and has comforted my children where they enjoyed many good dreams will now be left behind. For Alex is no longer a baby and with this move, he will acquire a big boy bed. A new beginning for himself. The pack and play that has sat in my living room for 6 years will also not be coming with us. Now that Alex will have a big boy bed, he no longer will lay in there until he goes to sleep at night keeping my husband and myself company until he is fast asleep and moved to his crib. The baby clothes that started with my oldest 6 years ago and still have the smell of all three of them will now be donated for other little boys that are less fortunate than us. The toys that used to annoy me with how loud they were will also be donated leaving us with the quieter toys meant for older children.

I keep trying to think of how much nicer it will be to have a fresh start. My older two are excited because they will be getting bunk beds. Their room will be new and exciting. My little one will finally have a room he could play in. He will have a place to grow and learn. My husband and I will have a bedroom that we could go into and enjoy each others company without the clutter that we have acquired. No more disciplining the children for running on the floors so they don't upset the downstairs neighbors.

But what about the memories. Yes we carry them with us in our hearts but the daily reminders; the touch, the smells...these things we will be leaving behind. I feel I am letting go of my babies and have to accept that they are growing boys. I'm not sure I am ready to let them go. So, although I am going to be removing the crib, the play pen, the old clothes and the tic marks on the wall; I am also going to pack up their baby blankets, the ones that soothed them when they were babies. The hats they wore home from the hospital. I will take a picture of their growth chart and artwork on the walls. I am going to hold onto these things so when I feel the need to revisit this time, this home.... It will be in the new place waiting for me to remember.

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

Memories of my Nana

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever." --Alfred Lord Tennyson

My Nana and I were very close. As you can tell from her picture she is Native American and Irish. (Not that you can see the Irish in her)Well she was very in tune with the earth and very wise about the world.She taught me things about life by watching nature. She had such an amazing soul. I know how to tell the weather by watching the leaves on trees or what the winter has in store for us by the tails of the squirrels among many other things.

I just felt the need to share a few stories about her today. She has been on my mind a lot and I just want to share a few things.
When I was younger, we used to pick four leaf clovers together and every time we found a feather she would stick it behind her ear.We would sit for hours in the backyard (even when I was a teenager) and pick literally 100’s of four leaf clovers. No one could understand how we always found them let alone so many. It was a memory I always cherished. I went to Woodstock, NY when I was pregnant with my oldest and they were selling necklaces with real four leaf clovers in them. I had to buy her one! I gave it to her and we sat and chatted for hours about them and our special tradition at every visit. After she passed away, I wore the necklace and oddly the four leaf clover disintegrated or something. I think she just took it with her.
My Nana, became ill in 2003 and I visited her almost daily in the hospital. I brought Mikey (her baby in the basket) to see her and I swear he brought her strength. She adored him so much. When she got better she had lost control of her bladder and she could not go home so they transferred her to a nursing home. My Nana was so against it. She begged my Mom to take her home and my mother told her not until she had control again. The problem was she couldn’t get it back. So she gave up. It went rather quickly. Every day she lost more and more. Her eyes started rolling and the rattle. That horrible rattle. I will never forget that sound. I continued to visit her daily and sat and cried and begged her to get better. My mom and dad told me I had to tell her to let go. I didn’t want to. I stayed selfish for a week. I finally built up the courage to tell her she could go. I didn’t want to be there when she passed away. I didn’t want to be in the room. My whole family came down that day. Everyone was saying goodbye and everyone stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. My mother, myself and I’m not really sure who else was in the room were all there when I finally told her it was okay. My mother sang Wind Beneath My Wings to her. I was squeezing her leg and my mother was holding her hand. She for the first time in 2 weeks made eye contact with my mother for a brief second. A tear rolled down her face and she squeezed my mothers hand lightly and that was it.

I was beside myself. I ran out hyperventilating and screaming. I called my friend Joey and was trying to make things clear in my mind and explain what had happened. All of a sudden, a dove circled above me and it grabbed my attention. I became completely silent and intrigued. Then a second one came and they circled each other and then they just flew off together. I sat there in silence. (Meanwhile Joey is freaking out because I haven’t said a word and cut off mid sentence) I finally told Joey, I was finally okay and I needed to hang up. I ended our conversation and had the greatest sense of peace. It was as if I had an out of body experience or meditated all day….the sense of peace was amazing. I went back into the nursing home gave my mother a hug and told her it was okay, that my Nana had found my Grandpa and she was at peace. It was the most amazing thing I ever experienced.

My Nana is always with me. She has ways of letting me know she is there. Every birthday, holiday, event….I always find a four leaf clover. She always lets me know she is with me. I have found them for my mother on her birthday and so on as well. This year I couldn't find any for a few months and I was getting really upset because I always find them. Two weeks ago I was sitting in front of my parents house and I found 5. I was so excited. There was one for my birthday, one for each of my boys birthdays, my anniversary and mothers day. On my way into the house to wrap them, I lost one. But I wasn't disappointed because I knew she was there for me. Last weekend, it was my boys birthday party and I found another one which I gave to my mother.

Another funny thing that reminds me she is watching over me is, three years ago for Mikey’s birthday when I was hanging up decorations in the back yard at my parent’s house, I found a feather. (Remember, she used to wear them in her hair?) I taped it to the chimney and told everyone that my Nana was there. Three years later and after many storms that have passed it still hung there until a week or two ago when my parents replaced the chimney. When my father was cleaning up the yard for Mikey and Alex’s party the following year he found a new feather on the ground right below it. My mother called me and told me my Nana left me another present. At the party, I proudly hung it up right below the one from the previous year. This year when cleaning up the yard for the party, I found yet another but didn't hang it since my parents just replaced the chimney. But I smiled and admired it for a little while.

No matter where she is, I know she is with me. I love sharing stories about her and admire the woman she once was. She will forever live on in my memory and in the stories I share with my boys.

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

You Are My Sunshine

"You brighten my life through storm and rain. Like a million stars shining...forever."

Happy 2nd Birthday to my peanut, Alex. You are and always will be my little ray of sunshine. Your smile and laugh are contagious, my love and you make every day a little bit brighter. Mommy love you now, always and forever. <3



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Saturday, June 20, 2009

To My First Love....

"He has the spirit of the sun, the moods of the moon, the will of the wind."

Happy Birthday to the first boy who ever took my breath away. The first eyes I looked into so adoringly that I thought my heart would explode with all the admiration and love I felt. The true meaning of love at first sight. Happy 6th Birthday, Mikey. Mommy loves you more than you will ever know. You are and always will be my shining star!



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Friday, June 19, 2009

Embracing my Body

"Good for the body is the work of the body, good for the soul the work of the soul, and good for either the work of the other. ~Henry David Thoreau"

A fellow COL Girl, -- I love writing that. I'm not sure if it is because if you are from certain states you might pronounce it as "Call" Girl or not, but it utterly amuses me. Anyways, as I was saying; while reading through other COL Girls blogs this evening, I jumped onto one of my favorite Friday evening posts, Lizzi's, "It's Friday evening and this is what I'm thinking. Which if you don't frequent, is a weekly ponder of all kinds of things on her mind. It's very enjoyable to read and it usually makes me giggle or at least, puts a smile on my face.

Well, in her ponders tonight, she asked what we like about our body's before continuing with her personal favorite features. I'm not giving away any more of her blog entry, so go read it. I listed the link above and if you aren't following her, I recommend you do. She's a great writer!!

Anyways, back on topic. I have been hard on myself lately because for some reason or another since I hit 30 (probably more around 29-1/2 when I started realizing how close to 30 I really was) my metabolism just stopped. Not slowed, just stopped and I haven't been happy with my appearance. It seems to be taking on a new shape, one that I am not happily embracing.

But, this question (thanks, Lizzi!) really made me reflect and I finally realized what I DO love about my body.

I love my stomach. Yes, it is rounding out a bit and is in serious need of some toning; and although it does not have one stretch mark the skin has lost it's elasticity but none-the-less, for a good reason. For 27 months within a 5 year period, it was where I harbored my three boys. It's also what my boys like to lay on and once were so kind enough to tell me that it's because "it's as soft as a pillow." (If only they knew how many crunches I did that night after that loving term of endearment.) Every time I look down and am unhappy with the way it looks, I try to remind myself of those flutters and kicks I once felt. It usually makes me stand a bit taller, which in return makes my stomach look a lot nicer.

I love my hips. These new curves and hour glass figure that I now possess have become my boy's favorite resting spot when I pick them up. Something that once shocked me in the mirror has become so necessary in motherhood. During colicky hours, reassurance after a boo-boo and just when they are too tired to walk. These hips were created with my boys in mind.

I love my arms. Who knew that my skinny little arms could carry so much weight? They are getting a bit flabby now that the boys aren't in constant need of being carried around and they are losing their tone. But, they are once where I rocked my babies to sleep. And still today, what I wrap around my boys and embrace in a big bear hug. They carry enough strength to pull all three of my children away from danger and carry them off to safety but are delicate enough to make me feel feminine.

I love my smile. I may have big uneven teeth with a space between my front two (I know Mom, I should still where my retainer) and they may be a little yellow from the over-indulgence of Starbucks, but every time I smile I can feel my face glow. It makes me happy to watch my children grow and experience knew things. And it makes them proud to see me smiling back at them. It may not be the most perfect smile but it's enough to let my children know how much I love them.

I love my eyes. The dark circles underneath from years of lack of sleep are no match for the love that you can see when you look into them. I am a deep person and everything about me could be read through my big browns. They are youthful but aged. They are innocent but experienced. And you can always get sincere honesty by looking at them.
I love my nose. Did you read that? I LOVE my nose. My "Wicked Witch" nose that it was once labeled with the ugly bump that made me throughout my childhood hate to have someone look at my profile is now one of my favorite features. Wanna know why? Because, three little boys who will one day find their own self-proclaimed imperfections that they will one day complain about. One day they will find one part of their perfect bodies flawed and I will look at them adoringly and tell them why that part of them is perfect.

I may not have that teeny waist that I once had and my age may be starting to show along my eyes and mouth, but I am embracing my body and the years of experience that it is starting to show. It may have its imperfections and I am working on the ones that I can. The things I can't, I am finding aren't so bad after all. And the best part, in my children's eyes, I am a beautiful princess and my husband still looks at me the same way he did when we first met. What could be better than that?

Thank you boys, for this beautiful curvy body that you helped shape and my renewed self-respect and esteem.

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Just for Today

*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.

*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

*I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day............
~ Author Unknown

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Longing For Our Nights

This weekend my oldest will be 6 and my youngest will be 2. I probably will be doing a lot of reflecting on my kids this week. To start out the week, I wanted to share a poem I wrote last year for all of them.

Longing For Our Nights


As you lay at night dreaming,
Peaceful and asleep.
I tiptoe to your bedside,
Quietly so you do not stir.

I bend down beside you,
And admire your angelic face.
I sit there for a moment,
Reflecting on our day.

These moments go by so quickly,
My days always seem fast paced.
I step over you to do things,
Sometimes ignore you call my name.

I leave to go to work at night,
Although I hear you scream.
But, at night when you are sleeping,
We share this little routine.

As you lay there dreaming,
I sit on the corner of your bed.
I rub your back, stroke your face,
And kiss your tender cheek.

I listen to you breathing,
and remind you that I love you.
I look forward to it each evening,
I await my time with you.

I’ll always cherish our special nights,
This quiet time we share.
I love you baby forever,
and always I’ll be there.

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Friday, June 12, 2009

Sunshine and Rainbows =)

"If you want to see the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain." ~ Dolly Parton

Today we saw the sun!!! It sounds silly, but it has been a while since the sun has shined here in Northern, NJ. We have become used to being stuck inside with nothing to do. But today, the sun listened to my children's pleading song (You may have heard it on Barney, "Oh, Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, Please shine down on me...") and it broke through the clouds.

The boys were so excited this afternoon to put on their sneakers and stomp in puddles and take a walk. They ran, they played tag, they picked flowers and just had a blast.

This evening, after dinner we went out for another go at it. We took a nice family walk, watching the airplanes and just enjoying the fresh air and the great outdoors when Mikey discovered his first rainbow. He was extremely excited (and I just so happened to bring my camera along for the walk...just in case) and showed his brothers. Max was so happy that he started jumping up and down clapping his hand. (Alex looked at it but didn't really understand what the big deal was. LOL)

I showed the boys all the colors in the rainbow and Max was just in awe with it. (Remember, it's the little things in life) While Mikey, sat there a little disappointed. He has been searching for a rainbow for the last three years and he finally found one and he thought they would be brighter. More like the way he draws them in his pictures. I explained to him how rainbows are made and how the way the sun was reflecting it just wasn't a good angle to see it so brightly. He seemed happy with that and continued to stare in awe.
I love when my children receive these beautiful gifts from Mother Nature. I love how happy it makes them and I love that it is something that will stay with them forever. First rainbows, cloud watching, and constellations and the moon bring such joy to young children. We are still searching for their first four leaf clovers but I have a feeling we are coming close. More to come on that one soon. ;)

I am leaving you now with a video of my favorite version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Enjoy your weekend. =)


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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Childhood Simplified

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair." ~ Kahlil Gibran

A few weeks ago, my boys discovered the fine art of cloud watching. It was a beautiful day so I decided to take them to the park to run around and get out there energy. They did for a bit and then finally went and settled at the gazebo in the corner of the park.

I went and joined them and they lay down so I joined them and my oldest started pointing things out in the clouds. I got quite a giggle watching them use their imaginations to find things in the sky. Granted, it was only a five minute (if even) ordeal but it was enough to bring me right back to my childhood.

The older two became bored quickly and ventured out to the playground to chase more pirates and me and my little man (who will be 2 in a few weeks) continued to lay there and watch the clouds. I pointed out things I saw and then a plane crossed overhead and that rose his curiosity even more.

Sometimes I feel that we take these little things for granted. Life becomes more of monetary values and the simple things -- well, we let them just slip away. Birthday parties no longer exist at homes with simple games of pin-the-tail on the donkey or musical chairs now they are costly and held at extravagant places. You drive down the street on a beautiful day and there are no children on the streets playing. When I was a child, we were booted out after 9:30 am (as to not wake the neighbors) and we were not allowed in (except for meals and potty breaks) until the street lights came on.

Where did the good ole' days go? I'm now reading a book called "Free Range Kids." The authors theory is that more kids are inside today because of parents fear. According to her statistics about 80% of us were sent outside like I just described but only 30% of us allow our children the same benefit. Some say the world is worse now...but statistically speaking its not more dangerous, the same dangers were there when we were kids but now we are too informed about it. So what do we do? We keep them in front of a tv, video games, etc and let these electronical babysitters drain our children. burn brain cells and risk their health for lack of exercise.

My boys love bubbles and baseball, they love dancing in the rain, cloud watching, searching for rainbows, chasing bugs and running through the grass barefoot. I am going to try to allow my children a little more "free range" so they don't miss out on all those fun activities we did as children. Mud pie anyone?

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My Wish For You

This song is a dedication to my beautiful boys. Mommy LOVES You!

MY WISH FOR YOU


I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.

But more than anything, Yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
this, is my wish
i hope you know somebody loves you
may all your dreams stay big


(Photographed in 2007)




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Monday, June 8, 2009

Bubbles and Baseball

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."

After a long week of dreary, rainy days we finally had a nice weekend. Saturday unfortunately we didn't take advantage only because we have so much to do for this move. But, Sunday we went to my parents house and spent the day outside. The boys had a blast! They love going to their grandparents house because they have the freedom to run around and be kids. Here, they are always couped up because there is nothing for them to do.

Well, what's better than a day of blowing bubbles, playing with bugs and practicing baseball? Forget all the fancy gadgets and toys they come out with. When it comes down to it the classics are always the best!

Here's a video of my oldest Mikey practicing his baseball. He is getting much better!! Too bad the whole tee-ball season has practically been washed away with the rainy days.

Here are a few of my favorite pics of the day too...


This is my little man Alex.


Max and Mikey blowing bubbles


All my boys. <3

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Friday, June 5, 2009

Friendship, Movies and Camera's


"Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold."

It's been a crazy, hectic, depressing, rainy, cabin-fevery, sick kid, down in the dumps kind of week. I've been trying all week to search my soul for inspiration to get past this rut I've been in.

This morning I had a good cry and that seemed to help, but more about that tomorrow. Tonight, I had an amazing family night. Good movie followed by dancing with the boys. I took some pics and will post them tomorrow. Did I mention that I have a camera now? My mom is one awesome woman and let me borrow hers until I get a new one. (Thanks Mom <3)

Well I'm supposed to be having cuddle time with hubby but I just wanted to thank all of you new and old for giving me laughs and smiles this week. xoxxoo

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Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Ten Commandments of Mother Earth

I. Thou shalt love and honor the Earth for it blesses thy life and governs thy survival.
II. Thou shalt keep each day sacred to the Earth and celebrate the turning of its seasons.
III. Thou shalt not hold thyself above other living things nor drive them to extinction.
IV. Thou shalt give thanks for thy food, to the creatures and plants that nourish thee.
V. Thou shalt educate thy offspring for multitudes of people are a blessing unto the Earth when we live in harmony.
VI. Thou shall not kill, nor waste Earth's riches upon weapons of war.
VII. Thou shalt not pursue profit at the Earth's expense but strive to restore its damaged majesty.
VIII. Thou shalt not hide from thyself or others the consequences of thy actions upon the Earth.
IX. Thou shalt not steal from future generations by impoverishing or poisoning the Earth.
X. Thou shalt consume material goods in moderation so all may share the Earth's bounty.
God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees and flowers and clouds and stars. ~Martin Luther
We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. ~ Native American Proverb.
Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~Kahlil Gibran
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. ~Lao Tzu

The sky is the daily bread of the eyes. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. ~Frank Lloyd Wright
Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better. ~Albert Einstein

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Go now, and live.

I'm having one of those "blue" days...where I search for comfort in words. Where I am struggling with my goals and wondering who I am in the world.

I know we all have these days and we all express them in our own ways. We all search for answers and certain comforts. Some clean, others eat, me?...I look for my inspiration through quotes, pictures and natural beauty. They all help lead me towards the right path.

On my search through the wonderful world wide web, I found this and it empowered me. It reminded me that I am worth something and I need to get past the difficulties and continue to live.

I try to live in the moment, keep the Eckhart Tolle's "I AM" way of thinking and keep myself in the present which is why I lean towards these crutches for support. As the wonderful, Walt Whitman once said, "I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content. And if each and all be aware I sit content." =)

I hope if you find yourself feeling low, or just a little off today; that this will help you out too.

Love and Light!

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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

My Mother Taught Me

The most important lesson my mother taught me about being a mom…
As a child my mother always said, “You will understand when you are a mother.” And she was right... now I know.
My mother taught me the bond that you will never have with anyone else but your child.
I know the movements my children made inside of me when I was pregnant and the difference in each one and how it has produced into their personalities.
I know the feeling of pain from labor but that the feeling of holding your child for the first time outweighs it and makes you instantly forget.
I know the bond that only a mother can feel when she looks into her child’s eyes for the first time.
I know that promise you make to them in those first few minutes of life to protect them, always be there for them and most of all to love them forever.
I know that feeling you get when your child smiles at you for the first time. Or when they roll over, take their first steps and say your name.
I know the overwhelming love you feel when your child gives you a hug or kiss and tells you they love you.
I know this because my mother taught me.
My mother taught me the reasons for her over protectiveness.
I know when my child gets on that bus to school every morning I will worry until the moment he comes home and is in my care again.
I know when my child is sleeping at night why I check on them throughout the night.
I know why I make sure my last words to them every night before bed and every time we need to part is, I Love You.
I know when someone is watching my children that lump you feel in your chest worrying if they are okay.
I know when a child takes their first steps you can’t baby them but you can always be a few steps away from them to catch them if they fall.
I know they will one day tell me they hate me for being over protective and tell me I am the worst mother in the world, and I will smile at them and respond, “When you have children, you will understand.”
I know this because my mother taught me.
My mother taught me the sacrifice that a mother makes for her child.
I know the sacrifices you make to give your child everything they want and need.
I know the sacrifice of not always being home with my children because in order to give my children the best, I need to work.
I know the sacrifice of sleep because your child isn’t feeling well.
I know the sacrifice of your favorite foods because your child doesn’t like them.
I know the sacrifice of new undergarments or clothes because although yours are old you find yourself in the children’s department of the store buying for your children instead.
I know this, because my mother taught me.
My mother taught me to be strong for my children.
I know that I need to teach my children to walk but it’s hard not to hold their hand.
I know I need to teach my children to be independent but that I will always be there when they are in a jam.
I know that I need to let my children find out things for themselves but I could always give them advice.
I know that I can’t stop them from the heartaches they will endure but I can always lend an ear and a shoulder to lean on.
I know that I can’t stop them from growing up but I can help them on the right path.
I know that I can’t stop them from straying from that path but I can help them find it again.
I know that the lessons I teach my children will be harder on me then they are on them.
I know this because my mother taught me.
My mother also taught me the most valuable lesson of all…
Since becoming a mother, my mom has taught me even more lessons. These lessons I haven’t questioned or even thought twice about the advice. Now I listen to her and although some things I may not agree with, I still keep those lessons in the back of my mind knowing one day I too will understand.
The most valuable lesson my mother has taught me since becoming a mother myself, is to enjoy my children because they grow up so fast. She is absolutely right, too. I have stopped and smelled the roses with my boys, spent a whole day cuddling with them on the couch. I have danced like a fool in my living room with them and we have laughed so hard that we cried. I have enjoyed every feeding, every cuddle and every kiss as if it was the first time. I have sat admiring my children when they thought I wasn’t looking and cried at night because I love them so much.
I know the meaning of being a mother, I know how it feels and I know I will teach my children the same... just as my mother taught me.


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