Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Moving On But Not Letting Go

"It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time." ~Barbara Kingsolver

Little tics on the walls showing my boys how much they have grown over the past years. Pen and pencil marks outline their latest artwork even if they weren't supposed to write on them. Little fingerprints that have smudged after time and time of them holding on when learning how to walk or running down the halls. All of this being left behind in a week. Ready to be painted over in antique white. Erasing my children's memory so a new family can create their own.

Moving can be so difficult. The memories that you captured in a place are reason enough not to want to leave. Then theirs the actual packing. Picking and choosing the things that you will take with you. Leaving behind with those marks on the walls other material items that also hold some form of memory.

The crib that all three of my children slept in for 2 years of their live and has comforted my children where they enjoyed many good dreams will now be left behind. For Alex is no longer a baby and with this move, he will acquire a big boy bed. A new beginning for himself. The pack and play that has sat in my living room for 6 years will also not be coming with us. Now that Alex will have a big boy bed, he no longer will lay in there until he goes to sleep at night keeping my husband and myself company until he is fast asleep and moved to his crib. The baby clothes that started with my oldest 6 years ago and still have the smell of all three of them will now be donated for other little boys that are less fortunate than us. The toys that used to annoy me with how loud they were will also be donated leaving us with the quieter toys meant for older children.

I keep trying to think of how much nicer it will be to have a fresh start. My older two are excited because they will be getting bunk beds. Their room will be new and exciting. My little one will finally have a room he could play in. He will have a place to grow and learn. My husband and I will have a bedroom that we could go into and enjoy each others company without the clutter that we have acquired. No more disciplining the children for running on the floors so they don't upset the downstairs neighbors.

But what about the memories. Yes we carry them with us in our hearts but the daily reminders; the touch, the smells...these things we will be leaving behind. I feel I am letting go of my babies and have to accept that they are growing boys. I'm not sure I am ready to let them go. So, although I am going to be removing the crib, the play pen, the old clothes and the tic marks on the wall; I am also going to pack up their baby blankets, the ones that soothed them when they were babies. The hats they wore home from the hospital. I will take a picture of their growth chart and artwork on the walls. I am going to hold onto these things so when I feel the need to revisit this time, this home.... It will be in the new place waiting for me to remember.

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Memories

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never wanted to lose."

Moments after I created this blog, I became very excited and thought about my first real blog entry. It was going to be something about the flowers my boys and I have been working so hard to grow and I wanted to go outside and take a picture of my sons special flowers. When I reached into my purse to retrieve it, I noticed it wasn't there. I searched everywhere for it recounting my steps and calling all the places I had been in and out of within the 2 week time frame since my last picture upload. After hours of searching and making phone calls I finally came to terms and accepted (as much as I possibly could) that my camera was gone. I have been particularly disappointed in myself for losing it and saddened knowing that I will not be getting a new one any time soon. Something my husband mentioned right away when I alerted him of my newest loss. Not that he doesn't want me to have a camera but in his defense he did just buy this one for me almost 2 years ago when my last camera broke.

As a mom to three small boys I tend to take a lot of pictures -- seriously. I average about 200-300 a month. While I have been sitting here watching my boys with their silly daily antics and bonding moments, it hurts when I reach my arm out for my camera that isn't there. It's sad because I feel like I am missing a piece of myself.

I know it seems silly but I am really lost. Memorial Day passed without pictures, Alex's first parade was not documented, Max with his clothes on all the wrong body parts pretending to be the clothes monster, special bonding moment between Mikey and Alex....all came and gone without capturing the memory forever.

Tomorrow, my husband and I will be celebrating our four year wedding anniversary and again no camera to document it. Nor will there be a camera at Mikey's tee-ball game on Saturday.

I know it sounds like I am whining but honestly I am heartbroken and utterly lost without my camera. It became my companion over the past few years and we had a lot of history together and captured a lot of memories. I guess I'm going to have to find another way to capture the memories.

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