Memories

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never wanted to lose."

Moments after I created this blog, I became very excited and thought about my first real blog entry. It was going to be something about the flowers my boys and I have been working so hard to grow and I wanted to go outside and take a picture of my sons special flowers. When I reached into my purse to retrieve it, I noticed it wasn't there. I searched everywhere for it recounting my steps and calling all the places I had been in and out of within the 2 week time frame since my last picture upload. After hours of searching and making phone calls I finally came to terms and accepted (as much as I possibly could) that my camera was gone. I have been particularly disappointed in myself for losing it and saddened knowing that I will not be getting a new one any time soon. Something my husband mentioned right away when I alerted him of my newest loss. Not that he doesn't want me to have a camera but in his defense he did just buy this one for me almost 2 years ago when my last camera broke.

As a mom to three small boys I tend to take a lot of pictures -- seriously. I average about 200-300 a month. While I have been sitting here watching my boys with their silly daily antics and bonding moments, it hurts when I reach my arm out for my camera that isn't there. It's sad because I feel like I am missing a piece of myself.

I know it seems silly but I am really lost. Memorial Day passed without pictures, Alex's first parade was not documented, Max with his clothes on all the wrong body parts pretending to be the clothes monster, special bonding moment between Mikey and Alex....all came and gone without capturing the memory forever.

Tomorrow, my husband and I will be celebrating our four year wedding anniversary and again no camera to document it. Nor will there be a camera at Mikey's tee-ball game on Saturday.

I know it sounds like I am whining but honestly I am heartbroken and utterly lost without my camera. It became my companion over the past few years and we had a lot of history together and captured a lot of memories. I guess I'm going to have to find another way to capture the memories.

Memories

Beginnings

Tonight I was sitting here reading "Change of Heart" by Jodi Picoult and watching my family out of the corner of my eyes. Mikey was annoying Max while Max was doing the same to Alex. I sat there yelling at them like I normally do and then it hit me. Why do I yell at them? I was a kid and I did a lot more than that before my mother came in and scolded me. Maybe it's because we live in a small apartment and we are always on top of each other. Or maybe it's because I am always in a constant battle with them over the mess that I cleaned 5 minutes earlier that seemed to reappear by the time I turned around. But the reality of it all is that I am having more bad moments then good.

I promised myself in the beginning of the year that I was going to work harder at letting the small things go, not just with my kids or my husband but with every day encounters. Maybe I just needed a little something to get me started...something like a daily intention.   

Now it's time to open my heart and my soul and just.....release.

Beginnings